You all remember that house, as a kid, growing up? The one that gave you a Ziploc bag full of baby carrots for Halloween? Remember what happened? You stopped going to that house.

You see, Halloween’s not about foraging for produce. You didn’t squeeze yourself into an ill-proportioned costume, cover yourself in non-hypoallergenic makeup, and roam the streets for hours, alternately picking up your mask and pulling your costume out of the way to keep from tripping, to bring home carrots. You just didn’t.

You went out, like every other red-blooded American kid, slogging through wet leaves, in search of candy. Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Not carrots. And you came home and dumped that pillowcase all over the floor and relished your spoils. You ate a few, traded with your bratty little sister, gave the black licorice and Squirrel Nuts to your parents, and basically gorged yourself into a coma for the next seventy-two hours. It’s a rite of passage. It’s tradition.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – obesity epidemic, corn syrup, ADHD, Michelle Obama’s arms. I get you. But it’s Halloween. Is nothing sacred? In fact, the last time I checked, I thought giving out produce for Halloween was illegal. Treason, I think. Besides, I think it causes long-term psychological damage.

I saw this on Pinterest a few days ago, and in the days passed, a few other places:

Photo via Molly Freckles

What is this? Bananas and clementines? Is that all you got? I mean, the whole tray must be worth a good few hundred calories at least, and several grams of lip-smacking fiber. Please know this: Every time you serve a clementine with a celery hanging out of it, a baby werewolf loses his mom.

And not to say this stuff isn’t cute, but, really, do seven or eight halved bananas go down as smoothly, as, oh, I don’t know, twelve Butterfingers, a fun-size sleeve of Rolos, and a box of Jujyfruits? I think not.

I saw another pin for ‘candy corn’ popsicles, consisting solely of yogurt, orange juice, and pineapple juice. I don’t want to put anyone on the spot, because they are cute, but, realistically, how many of those can you down before you end up really regular or with a canker sore? Virtually nonexistent problems with the tried-and-true.

And how long would these nutritious and inspired treats last without refrigeration? A few hours? Could you shove them into your pockets? Bring them to school? Hide them under your bed? Find them in a drawer six months later and feel like you won the lottery? Do they have any street value against a box of Nerds? No! The answer is no. Your kid won’t tell you, the neighbor kids won’t tell you, but Halloween treats like this stink.

No one looks nostalgically back on their childhood Halloweens, fondly recalling the cruciferousness of their Halloween broccoli, or the je-ne-sais-quois of a crispy Cortland apple from Mrs. Jenkins. They don’t. But I can guarantee they will remember, along with how many Reeses’ Peanut Butter Cups they scored, from which house the offending produce came, and be careful to avoid it next year.

If you want your kids to eat vegetables, take them to the supermarket. Don’t ruin their Halloween. And please, please remember the moms. Remember the moms who will inevitably skim those trick-or-treat buckets until Thanksgiving, easy.

Don’t be a tool. Give out candy for Halloween. And make it the good kind.

Your children’s memories depend on it.



  1. This post is hilarious! I can’t say I ever experienced produce “treats” as a kid but we did have a disc jockey in our neighborhood who would pass out demo 45’s! How would you like to try to eat one of those suckers? lol!

  2. When I was a kid, there was a man across the street who worked at the Pearson Candy factory. For Halloween, they handed out misshapen factory seconds of 7-up bars, Nut Goodies, and Salted Peanut Rolls. Needless to say, us kids hit that house SEVERAL times during the evening. Now THAT’s a real Halloween memory!!

  3. Our disappointments were always those mini boxes of SunMaid Raisins. Just…no.

    And there was another family that would give out pencils. Number 2, but still.

    I wanted Abba Zabbas, dammit.

  4. I have no intention of handing out cute little oranges with celery in it for Halloween treats I was however planning on maybe sticking them in the lunch I packed for my son that day and feeding them to my preschooler for snack time. my answer is I don’t pass out candy I go with my kids to collect it thank you very much

  5. Agreed. Give out candy. Though the guy who gave out carrots was a million times better than the old lady who gave out toothbrushes and dentist business cards.

    Of course, I totally get why parents (especially with picky eaters) would make these around Halloween. Get the kids feeling festive while tricking them into eating healthy. Of course, Halloween will be over before you know it and those kids will be back to hiding their veggies under their napkins. . . at least until someone makes a turkey out of a cauliflower.

  6. Hilarious post! LOL

    I’d make the bananas and clementines as a snack for my munchkins, but pass them out as treats? Nahhhhh! My kiddos love bananas with chocolate chip faces, so they’d enjoy this kind of thing. They wouldn’t go down easy in a trick or treat bucket, though. 🙂

  7. Beware the home from which carrots are distributed on Halloween for there dwells Beelzebub!!! How about the Jackasses who give out toothbrushes? What the hell is their problem? Don’t worry folks! I’ve got it under control! I’ll make sure my kids brush their teeth…AFTER they eat a plastic pumpkin full of tootsie rolls and reese’s peanut butter cups.

  8. so funny! I bought Halloween-ish prepackaged pretzels for my daughter’s kindergarten class party and my husband asked me with a look of disgust if that was what I was planning to hand out at Halloween. lol…nope, I go for the stuff I will eat when its leftover. Peanut butter m&ms, butterfingers, etc!

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