It seems I’m not the only one out there looking for a BFF. In our social media-heavy world, I was surprised that I read more about loneliness than I ever have. Let’s face it, though: It’s a jungle out there, and, frankly, my time is at a premium. So, instead of learning potentially unpleasant facts about others as friendships unfold naturally (because who has time for that?!), I’ve devised this handy application to screen potential matches.

 

Demographics

1. Name:  ___________________________

2. Number of children: a) None, b) 1, c) 2, d) Dear Lord!

3. Relationship Status: a) Single, b) Married, c) It’s Complicated, d) The authorities are on notice

 

Age Verification

4. What was Punky Brewster’s best friend’s name? ______________________________

5. Please choose one of the following: a) Coca-Cola Classic, b) New Coke, c) Diet Coke d) Coke Zero

6. Name two of Ronald McDonald’s associates:           ____________________                      ______________________

7. True or False: Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

8.  Name the following item:  _____________________________________________

 

Social Media

9. Do you use Instagram? If, so, please provide screenname here: _______________________

1o. Please provide most recent Facebook status here: _______________________________________________________

11. Do you have a Twitter account? a) Yes, b) No

If you answered yes to Question #11, please answer the following:

12. Have you ever tweeted or responded to tweets including (Select all that apply) a) naked body parts, b) invitations for virtual sexual activity,  or c) names and dosages of current prescription medications?

 

Lifestyle

13. How would you describe yourself? (Select all that apply): a) organic, b) vegan, c) gluten-free, d) lacto-ovo-vegetarian, e) beer and pretzels

14. What type of wine do you enjoy most? a) red, a) white, c) vodka, straight

If you answered A or B to Question #14, please answer the following:

15. Do you prefer: a) California varietals, b) imported wines, c) anything that comes in a box

16. Do you use any of the following words? (Select all that apply): a) mod podge, b) baby daddy, c) totes mc gotes, d) HASHTAG (the spoken word)

17. Have you ever completed a craft found on Pinterest? a) Yes, b) No

If you answered yes to Question #17, please answer the following:

18. Did your completed craft involve a Mason jar? a) Yes, b) No*

 

*If you answered yes to Question #18, you have reached the end of the application. Thank you for your time.

 

19. I need eggs and tampons. I will go to a) WalMart, b) Target, c) WHO CARES?!? to get them.

20. Describe a dinner you would typically eat: __________________________________________________________

21. Have you ever watched a Real Housewives series? a) Yes, b) No

If you answered yes to Question #21, please answer the following:

22. Why?? (Please provide as much detail as possible):  __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

23. Ke$ha is (Please choose one): a) what I listen to when I’m getting ready for the club, b) a grating, yet benign, pop presence that will likely soon disappear, c) delicious on french fries.

 

Historical Friendship Behavior

24. Have you ever engaged in the following behaviors upon the termination of a relationship? (Select all that apply)  a) had a good cry and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, b) got together with friends for a rejuvenating weekend, d) went shopping and/or got a new haircut, e) tracked that bastard down, slashed his tires, and peed in the bed of his truck.

25. When someone doesn’t text/call you back, do you (Please choose one): a) assume they’re busy, and give them time to respond, b) check Facebook for new updates beginning at the time of your text/call, and then text “GOTCHA!” when the first one appears, c) leave several voicemails tearfully expressing your disappointment, d) drive around and look for them.

26. Your friend’s significant other gives you an inappropriate up-and-down, followed by a not-so-subtle invitation. Do you (Please choose one): a) go straight to your friend and tell her. You don’t want her to be hurt by the wrong person, b) gently keep your distance from him, but maintain your friendship, c) pick up some new undies. It’s on like Donkey Kong!

 

Thank you for completing this application. Someone will be in touch with you shortly to schedule a round of drinks should a suitable match be found.

Advertisements

24 Comments »

  1. This is fantastic. Not only do I hear you completely and wish it was actually socially acceptable to request potential friends to apply for the position, but I think you and I would be pretty good friends. Thanks for the Friday afternoon chuckle. (Also, you have me now really annoyed that I can’t remember Punky’s BF’s name…to wait for it to come to me or google it and get it over with?).

  2. I love it!! 😀 No wonder I don’t have any friends any more… LOL

    How’d you do if you had to complete this for someone else? I’m with stemcollege about the dogs… or currently in my case cats.

  3. Glad I am not the only one to look up Punky Brewster. I can’t believe that show was on for only four years! Very funny survey. I think I am one of those rare people who have never done instagram, twitter, pininterest, etc. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. lol…

  4. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man. I was this close to laughing Oreo crumbs all over my laptop! Anyway, I don’t know what zomg means. I thought Cooter was someone’s name (though, perhaps not someone I’d go for drinks with). And I’ve never actually heard Kesha’s “music” or watched anything beginning with “Real Housewives”. I live in a box, though. With snow around it for six or seven months out of the year. And lots and lots of wine….

  5. I’m actually thinking of sending this out as a standard response to all friend requests from now on!

    You missed out “totes amazeballs” – that’s enough to be blocked (or possibly shot) on sight.

  6. This is hilarious! I literally laughed out loud when I read Kesha is delicious on french fries. Would I be rejected if I said I knew a kid in high school whose nickname was Cooter? (And what does that say about the high school I went to?)

  7. At the risk of sounding prideful, this week I lamented that “I wish I could have myself as a friend!” I’ve had a few wins lately, where I’ve found the perfect gift, called at the perfect time, been available at the perfect moment, etc. I want that for myself!! And yes, loneliness seems to be a growing concern in my community!

  8. So I think I need this application in my life. You had me at terminating the application after the Mason Jar craft. That was totes cool. (Did I just mess up? Will be watching my phone and stalking your Facebook until you reply.) Ellen

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s