It seems I’m not the only one out there looking for a BFF. In our social media-heavy world, I was surprised that I read more about loneliness than I ever have. Let’s face it, though: It’s a jungle out there, and, frankly, my time is at a premium. So, instead of learning potentially unpleasant facts about others as friendships unfold naturally (because who has time for that?!), I’ve devised this handy application to screen potential matches.
1. Name: ___________________________
2. Number of children: a) None, b) 1, c) 2, d) Dear Lord!
3. Relationship Status: a) Single, b) Married, c) It’s Complicated, d) The authorities are on notice
4. What was Punky Brewster’s best friend’s name? ______________________________
5. Please choose one of the following: a) Coca-Cola Classic, b) New Coke, c) Diet Coke d) Coke Zero
6. Name two of Ronald McDonald’s associates: ____________________ ______________________
7. True or False: Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
8. Name the following item: _____________________________________________
9. Do you use Instagram? If, so, please provide screenname here: _______________________
1o. Please provide most recent Facebook status here: _______________________________________________________
11. Do you have a Twitter account? a) Yes, b) No
If you answered yes to Question #11, please answer the following:
12. Have you ever tweeted or responded to tweets including (Select all that apply) a) naked body parts, b) invitations for virtual sexual activity, or c) names and dosages of current prescription medications?
13. How would you describe yourself? (Select all that apply): a) organic, b) vegan, c) gluten-free, d) lacto-ovo-vegetarian, e) beer and pretzels
14. What type of wine do you enjoy most? a) red, a) white, c) vodka, straight
If you answered A or B to Question #14, please answer the following:
15. Do you prefer: a) California varietals, b) imported wines, c) anything that comes in a box
16. Do you use any of the following words? (Select all that apply): a) mod podge, b) baby daddy, c) totes mc gotes, d) HASHTAG (the spoken word)
17. Have you ever completed a craft found on Pinterest? a) Yes, b) No
If you answered yes to Question #17, please answer the following:
18. Did your completed craft involve a Mason jar? a) Yes, b) No*
*If you answered yes to Question #18, you have reached the end of the application. Thank you for your time.
19. I need eggs and tampons. I will go to a) WalMart, b) Target, c) WHO CARES?!? to get them.
20. Describe a dinner you would typically eat: __________________________________________________________
21. Have you ever watched a Real Housewives series? a) Yes, b) No
If you answered yes to Question #21, please answer the following:
22. Why?? (Please provide as much detail as possible): __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
23. Ke$ha is (Please choose one): a) what I listen to when I’m getting ready for the club, b) a grating, yet benign, pop presence that will likely soon disappear, c) delicious on french fries.
Historical Friendship Behavior
24. Have you ever engaged in the following behaviors upon the termination of a relationship? (Select all that apply) a) had a good cry and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, b) got together with friends for a rejuvenating weekend, d) went shopping and/or got a new haircut, e) tracked that bastard down, slashed his tires, and peed in the bed of his truck.
25. When someone doesn’t text/call you back, do you (Please choose one): a) assume they’re busy, and give them time to respond, b) check Facebook for new updates beginning at the time of your text/call, and then text “GOTCHA!” when the first one appears, c) leave several voicemails tearfully expressing your disappointment, d) drive around and look for them.
26. Your friend’s significant other gives you an inappropriate up-and-down, followed by a not-so-subtle invitation. Do you (Please choose one): a) go straight to your friend and tell her. You don’t want her to be hurt by the wrong person, b) gently keep your distance from him, but maintain your friendship, c) pick up some new undies. It’s on like Donkey Kong!
Thank you for completing this application. Someone will be in touch with you shortly to schedule a round of drinks should a suitable match be found.