Let me preface this post by saying that I love my husband to death. I do. I don’t know what I would do without him, and he’s oftentimes a better man than I feel I deserve. I’m damn lucky, and I acknowledge this. That said, some of the crap he does is absolutely asinine. I know I mentioned the mouth-mind disconnect in The English-to-Man Dictionary, but some other things just reach far above and beyond my capabilities of understanding. (And I’m not posting this just because he dug out my last nerve and has been dancing on it for the greater part of the past week.)

Here are a few of his signature moves:

Part-Time Barista: Wherein my husband pours coffee from great heights in order to attain the appearance of foam.

The Theatrical Burp: Burping with inflection (i.e., woooboooboooboooboooop), complete with jazz hands and satisfied smirk.

A for Effort: Two thirds of the dining room table is wiped clean after dinner, and there’s no one in sight. (See Also: baby without pants)

The Crop Duster: Unbridled sneezing or coughing (Note: Hubby works in a hospital), causing me to take down the babies as if anticipating an airstrike.

Selective Narcolepsy: Only takes effect while watching anything I like, when I’m driving, or at other people’s houses.

Predictive Discussion:  Conversations based solely on the one word I said that he heard. Me: Are you going to rearrange the baby seats in the van today? Him: Yes, I know she’s up. I’ll go get her!

Jaw Tourette’s: Emerging from the kitchen clearly chewing, while claiming nothing was eaten.

Like Mike: Throwing items at receptacles too far away to reach, in an effort to avoid crossing a room, resulting in Walk of Shame, from Downtown.

Chef de Cuisine: Cooking exclusively with oyster sauce, red pepper flakes, and shredded cheese.

Laundry Magician: Making entire loads of washed, folded clothes disappear. And not into their drawers.

Turning Japanese: Sushi and Anime, sushi and Anime, sushi and Anime. Think nausea.

Impromptu Naps: Not to be confused with Selective Narcolepsy, this is when he disappears upstairs to bring down one of the babies, and curls up to take a nap on the floor, under the guise of  ‘playing with the kitties’.

Mongo Love Babies: When ideas like swinging Matthew around by his shirt/legs/the waist of his pants sound reasonable.

It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint: Because every domestic activity requires an hour of rest in between, right?

The Ebenezer: Like when it took me two months to convince him we needed a car that fit all the babies.

You know what’s awesome, though? 1) My husband’s such a great sport that he helped me compile this list, and 2) this is one of those lists that doesn’t have to end. I can keep adding to it, like, forever

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34 Comments »

  1. Ha! Love it! They truly are a whole different species, aren’t they?
    Very funny post. Glad you pushed the ‘publish’ button just for me! I needed the laugh.

    Btw; saw a Ben10 playset the other day and thought of you.
    Xo,Karyn

  2. This gave me great comfort. Really. Something about this holiday left me more ticked at my spouse than ever. He can be such a jerkface! He acts like a 12 year old. He thinks he should be dazzled with every gift, blown away by every meal, and be waited on like a foreign dignitary. I never want to celebrate Christmas again!

  3. Love it! Apparently we all are going through the same thing lol. I wrote last week the differences between men and women and how they view chores and whatnot. Thanks for sharing!

  4. Serious awesomeness although I do fear this may be an epidemic among men because my hubby does all of these and then some. The most puzzling is the very random need for rest and inability to stay awake EVER!

  5. Hahaha! I hate to say it, but some of those stereotypes are around for a reason! I love the 2/3 of the table is wiped off…yesterday I asked my husband to clean a mirror that reaches the ceiling so I wouldn’t have to get on a freaking ladder to do it. Big mistake – for whatever reason, he only did half of it.

  6. My husband cooks soley with chipotle sauce, peanut butter and Chardonnay. But other than that? I could print the same list for him.

    Oh yeah and my kids are older. Hence the emphasis on the Chardonnay.

    Because parenting middle schoolers requires copious amounts of wine.

    And chipotle.

    Obviously.

  7. Tears, I had reading this post. TEARS!!! While my husband nursed his gaming addiction across the table and I pretended not to notice the 1/3 as-yet-to-be-washed section just out of his arms’ reach. Ohmygod, what a hilarious post. Thanks for the chuckles!

  8. Oh yes, the selective narcolepsy. My dear man can fall asleep at the drop of a hat when it suits him. This list is perfect. The only thing I would have to add to my own list is the 1/2 hour of bathroom time several times a day – usually right after meals, forcing me to do the cleaning up. I can’t even ask him to help as he’s not available….

  9. Oh my you got me with the last 2. It took me four months to convince my hubs that the days of a 2 door car where over because the child and the car seat barely fit. And my hubs is the king of taking a break after doing anything that resembles housework. Great list, thanks for giving name to all my hubs ailments.

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