They also say men and women think differently, as if it were some sort of a myth, or something we need to fix. Well, it’s not. And we don’t. We just need to know how to translate.
I’m here to demystify the male mind for you. I know, I know. It’s been done before, but I am going break it down for you real nice-like. Real simple. So, pretty soon, you’ll both be hanging out on Mars…or Venus (or wherever) together, I mean, if that’s what you really want.
What You Say: Honey, can you take out the trash?
What He Hears: You should probably take out the trash after two more commercials/this round of Angry Birds/I ask you four more times.
What You Say: You’re gross.
What He Hears: You’re the best!
What You Say: You don’t appreciate me.
What He Hears: More flowers. Buy more flowers. Heavy on the Baby’s Breath.
What You Say: Does this outfit make me look fat?
What He Hears: We won’t be going anywhere for a while. Have a seat on the couch and put on the game.
What You Say: Please change the babies’ clothes.
What He Hears: Dress the children in a combination of clothes that a) don’t fit and b) don’t match. Justify this by noting that you picked ‘colors that pop’.
What You Say: Are you listening?
What He Hears: (You know that sound when the needle reaches the end of a record? That.)
What You Say: We’re not going to watch this, are we?
What He Hears: I’m going to get up to stomp out of the room in a few minutes. When I do that, change the channel back to Say Yes to the Dress.
What You Say: Please don’t pick your daughter up by her pajamas.
What He Hears: You can keep picking your daughter up by her pajamas until they rip. Then, no more.
What You Say: Can you get us a drink of water before bed?
What He Hears: Get the first cup you can find, fill it halfway with lukewarm water, then drink it all.
What You Say: Didn’t you wear that already?
What He Hears: I appreciate your commitment to conservation, and your excellent taste in clothing.
What You Say: Make sure you comb the babies’ hair when they get out of the tub.
What He Hears: Mash down the babies’ hair with your greasy hand before you leave the bathroom.
What You Say: Are you falling asleep?
What He Hears: Nothing. He’s asleep.
See? Simple. Just find the most ridiculous, least efficient, most infuriating interpretation of what you said, and that’s probably what he heard. Master this and you’ll soon be canoodling in a hammock, enjoying a Bahamian sunset, and giggling like two high-schoolers. You’re welcome.
And don’t forget to send me a postcard. Or at least a blurry cell phone pic of you two making out.